Ah, spring cleaning — that joyous time you spend identifying which Tupperware smells like the eleventh deadly plague, rescuing the 2.5 hair-doll children you birthed in the last year from your shower drain, and sweeping up the Hansel and Gretel trail of cat litter sprinkled around the apartment.

But at least you can predict what madness lurks when you're cleaning up after yourself. Maids — especially Devious Maids — have some next-level shit to consider when they clock in. Like, will they find foils full of rotting chicken under someone's bed à la Girl, Interrupted? Are they being watched by some creepy nanny-cam? Does blood come out of silverware? More importantly, does DNA? Here's how one cleans up a mess, Devious Maids-style.

How to Get Blood Out of a Carpet

I have high hopes you're not hosting any cocktail parties wherein your maid is stabbed and bleeds out on your white carpet/in your pool, so let's think of more common ways blood nestles into your carpet. You're one of those endearing souls who regularly succumbs to nosebleeds, perhaps. Or, how about you cut a finger chopping vegetables and are now searching for a tourniquet while indiscriminately spurting blood onto every white surface in your home like the scariest sprinkler of ever?

The good news is, blood is relatively easy to remove if you act fast. (If an actual injured person is in the way of cleaning up the blood, STOP READING THIS ARTICLE AND CALL 911, PSYCHO.) First, get some cold water in a spray bottle — hot or even warm water might set the stain. You can also use a wet cloth if you don't have an empty spray bottle lying around. Wet the affected area, starting from the inside out to prevent spreading. If it's a stubborn stain, dilute one tablespoon of liquid dish detergent into two cups of water and dab that mixture on the stain. Repeat the process until the stain disappears. Finally, use a dry towel to remove moisture and a fan to dry the area.

How to Clean Up Broken Glass

Devious MaidsSeason 2 brings a burglary and with it, a whole mess of glass. In your case, though (and definitely in my case) it's more likely you'll encounter broken glass while making the foolish mistake of handwashing-while-drunk (or simply by being sober and clumsy, either works).

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The instinct to sweep up broken glass is surprisingly wrong (the broom will just pick up shards and spread them around, making a bloody mess). Put on some protective gear (shoes, gloves), remove the large shards with your hands and dispose of them in a paper bag (or in two garbage bags), then vacuum. Weirdly enough, the next move here is to grab a piece of bread and use it to pick up any invisible pieces that might be lingering, then finish off by cleaning the surface with a wet rag.

How to Clean Your Dirty Laundry

By now, we've established that your life is probably not as exciting as a primetime drama (small blessings, amirite?) But one way maids are just like us is that we all run the risk of getting sauce stains on our sheets. Not that kind of sauce, sicko — I'm talking red wine. It's tasty, it's a great sleeping aid, and it's fun to bring into bed — but it also leaves behind stubborn hell-stains once the party's over. Whether your tipsy ass doesn't notice a spill until the dried evidence is mocking you in the harsh light of day or you're being proactive and treating a stain while it's still wet, this method will effectively remove red wine stains. First, rub shaving cream into the stain, using the curved back of a spoon to work it in evenly. Next, use a wet rag or sponge to gently scrub the stain until it lifts. If you're working on a dry stain, skip the sponge and wash the sheets in hot water once you've applied the shaving cream. Repeat until you have virgin sheets once more.

Go forth into a clean new world — at least until Devious Maids Season 2 premieres April 20 at 10/9c on Lifetime, when things get messy all over again.

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Stephanie Georgopulos is a Senior Content Producer at Gawker Media. She tweets here, essays here, kinjas here, and tumblrs here.

This post is a sponsored collaboration between Lifetime and Studio@Gawker.