When it's time to get dirty work done around the house, music always has your back — entertaining you while you vacuum, energizing you while you wash that one last dish, soothing you while you ponder the futility of scrubbing that weird orange shower mold that always grows right back.
But why stop at cleaning? Let music help you get your emotional dirty work done around the house, too. Bose SoundTouch uses WiFi to connect directly to the internet, allowing you to remotely select music from your own MP3 library or streaming services, then play it through wireless speakers — turning it on, off, up or down from anywhere via the SoundTouch app. Which means that no matter where you are at home, music is at your command, ready to help you settle household disputes, create a calm oasis — and, okay, screw with your family while you're at it. While you dream up the possibilities, here's a primer to get you started.
Make Your Teen Wake Up with Metal
When your high schooler is taking his sweet time getting out of bed, why waste yours issuing a series of ignored pleas, bargains, and threats? Just give him some extra motivation to rise and shine by placing a Bose SoundTouch speaker by his bedside. Once you're safely across the house, play the most brutal black metal Norway has to offer on a special playlist you've created for this purpose. Surprise! Your child is suddenly a morning person! (Note: if he's a fan of the most brutal black metal Norway has to offer, swap in something by a certain tall-haired British boyband to yield similar results.)
Turn a Boring Night on the Couch into a Romance Extravaganza
You and your partner have figured out the secret to a happy, long-lasting relationship. It's called "Play with your phones and watch premium cable in your sweatpants," and it works. But even the most solid relationship can benefit from a surprise every now and then. Spark an impromptu date night by creating a romantic music playlist from songs in your MP3 library, then turn it into one of the SoundTouch's six presets, which allow you to play preselected playlists with the touch of a single button. As you settle in for another evening on the couch, make like you're checking your phone, then turn the playlist on using the SoundTouch app, and boom! Instant lovey-dovey vibes. Maybe after that, you can get really crazy and order from a new take-out place you've never tried before. That's the kind of risk-taking that makes long-term relationships work.
Terrorize Your Shower-Hogging Roommate
If your roommate's habit of tying up the bathroom all morning has led you to brush your teeth in the kitchen sink five days a week, it might be time to take definitive action. Speed along your roommate's AM routine by hiding a SoundTouch speaker in the bathroom. When he gets into minute 15 of his regimen, start playing something appropriately embarrassing — like the timer music from a well-known game show, or a new composition that you wrote especially for the occasion called "I Know What You're Doing in There, Pervert (Don't Even Pretend It Takes This Long to Blow Dry Your Hair)." Give it a try and see if your roomie can't be shamed into shaving a few minutes off his toiletry time.
Send Away Uninvited Guests Without a Word
A speaker placed in your front window, ready to pump your favorite terrifying music — one of those spooky Halloween sound effects albums or a 25-minute dance mega-remix of already "meh" 70s song, whatever strikes terror in your heart — is sure to send uninvited guests running from your door faster than they can say, "Do you have a minute to talk about the environment?"
Pretend You Don't Have Such Dysfunctional Neighbors
Are you a victim of your apartment building's paper-thin walls and your next-door-neighbors' penchant for fighting loudly (and then "making up" even more loudly)? Keep some white noise as a preset on your SoundTouch speaker, and hit that button as soon as you hear your neighbor's first shrieked accusation of the evening through your living room wall. Ah, the soothing sound of whale songs.
Make Your Parent/Child/Roommate/Partner Think They Are Going Insane
Bored by summer's impeccable weather and lack of new TV shows? Pick up some new hobbies, like convincing a family member that they are losing their fragile grip on reality. Carefully hide a SoundTouch speaker somewhere in the living room, then turn on quiet music whenever your victim is there alone. Turn it off right before you re-enter the room, and be sure to tell the victim, when they ask, that you didn't hear a thing. For added impact, use the SoundTouch app to turn the music on and off when they are the only one in the house. Repeat until they have gone completely mad and/or your favorite TV shows start running new episodes again.
Of course, the Bose SoundTouch's WiFi technology is useful for many pragmatic purposes — like beefing up your home stereo system, setting a solid party mood while entertaining, or just helping you relax and catch up on podcasts while you clean the house. But isn't it great that you can troll your loved ones too? Finally, you can have it all.
Gabrielle Moss has written mostly funny stuff (but also some serious stuff) for GQ.com, The Hairpin, Nerve, etc. You can follow her here.