Contrary to the one-size-fits-all sex approach that pervades the media, most women don’t climax after really fast, thrusty, clothes-on sex sans foreplay. (Shout-out to male directors who think five pumps = female orgasm! Smiley face emoji, gun emoji.) There may be some gals who get off on the fast and furious method, but I haven’t met any of them. Every woman I know, myself included, needs a way more nuanced experience to get that clit lit.
That’s why I’m super jazzed about Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, the new female-driven sex show on Comedy Central. Inspired by Nikki’s crusade to start an open dialogue around sex, I did my own research project (AKA, I Gchatted my pals) to find out how other women are getting theirs. I asked about 20 friends to share their most intense, unique, and genuine turn-ons. Here’s what they had to say.
Most people consider the armpit, well, the armpit of the body. But some women are straight-up aroused by this odoriferous area. Like my comedian friend Amy:
“I love smelling a guy’s stink. I’ll actually put my nose in his armpit and take a big sniff. I usually try to get it in on the first date at some point. It tells me two things: 1) How he smells, which determines a lot about our natural chemistry and attraction to each other; and 2) How he reacts to me doing something weird like smelling his armpit. A man has to be able to handle my weird shit.”
That’s really what this whole thing is about. We all deserve a partner who handles (or, ideally, is into) our weird shit. And since most guys probably won’t presume that you want to sniff their pits — or whatever your thing is — you have to be upfront about what you want.
Call me totally normal, but I’m a huge fan of being tenderly caressed all over my body. Throw on some Usher, bust out the Crisco and glaze me like a ham! And I’m not the only one who needs a heavy dose of heavy petting. My 33-year-old friend Jess takes things one step further. She told me that she’s so into the stroking thing, she likes to pretend she’s an actual dog:
“I love being talked to and having my hair petted like I’m a feral animal that needs to be calmed down. It makes me feel like I’m humming golden inside or something. I discovered I liked it when a couple lovers instinctually started doing it to me. Every once in awhile, I’ll say, ‘Pet me, pet me!’ but usually I don’t even have to.”
What does Jess like her partners to say during a stroke-sesh? “Basically the same stuff you would say when snuggling your dog, or petting a horse or whatever... OMG, I am turning red, here goes: ‘Good girl. You know you’re good, right? Thatta girl.’ You know, that kind of stuff.”
It’s a pretty cliche, hetero-normative dynamic, but there are a ton of women who get off on being dominated. And I’m no different. If I want to “lean in” at work and bend the fuck over at home, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. #SorryYesSorry #PleasePunishMe
My friend Cassie also loves a man in charge:
“I knew my last boyfriend was going to be a good hookup when we were making out this one time and I was wearing a skirt. He grabbed the crotch of my panties and pulled them, and it was SO sexy. He didn’t finger me, he just grabbed the fabric and pulled it, like he couldn’t wait. So hot.”
Another friend, Chelsea, said her hottest experience of all time was with a guy who didn’t waste any time getting down to business:
“This one time I went home with a guy and we barely got inside his bedroom when he pushed me on the bed, pulled down my underwear and just immediately started going down on me. There’s something about having that done while you’re still fully clothed that’s super hot. I’m pretty sure I still had my shoes on. Like, bonkers.”
Hurts So Good
Like salty and sweet, pleasure and pain can be an incredible combo. If spanking and fucking is your sexual version of chocolate and pretzels, then go ahead and treat yo’self. Cassie, my friend who’s into the panty-grabbing, also gets down with some rough ponytail play:
“I love having my hair grabbed. Like when a guy wraps my hair in his fist and gently but firmly grabs it, moving my head around — MEEOW.”
Then there’s Maggie, who I only know via social media, but who had no qualms about sharing her penchant for pain:
“I love being choked during sex, especially if I am close to orgasm. I also like being held down or restrained. It’s funny because I’m a very dominant personality outside of the bedroom but there’s something really sexy about giving up all control.”
Ba-dayum! Are you as horned-up as I am? I’m typing this article with my face right now because both my arms are fully inside me.
The point is, you shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed about whatever gets you off — ‘cuz, as it turns out, we’re all just a bunch of freaks. Set yourself free and tell us what turns you on in the comments — we’ll be showcasing the best shares in a comment roundup. It’s 2016, so let’s stop being afraid to feel good!
And def check out Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central, or whenever you want on the CC app. Prudes, proceed with caution.
Rose Surnow is a TV comedy writer and freelance humor writer. You can read her work on her website or on New York Magazine, VICE, Cosmo, SELF and more. Follow her on Twitter @rosesurnow.
Illustration by Alex Cannon.