I may have blacked out for most of my mom’s speech about the birds and the bees, but she said one thing that stuck with me: “You want to be comfortable with the person you’re having sex with because that’s wonderful and all, but also... weird stuff happens. And when it does, you want to be able to laugh about it.”
Like most things, she was right about this. Contrary to the media’s suave, glamorous portrayal of sex, weird stuff does happen: weird sounds, weird sensations, weird desires. When this inevitable weirdness occurs, you have two options: stare at your partner in abject horror and hope aliens erase their memory, or burst into naked laughter together. I tend to lean towards the latter.
Sex should be fun, so let’s stop taking it so seriously! That’s what Nikki Glaser’s new show on Comedy Central, Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, is all about. And like Glaser, Jezebel commenters have never been afraid to own their fantasies, vocalize their turn-ons, and laugh at all the bizarre realities of throwing naked bodies together. When we asked you to share your feels about sex sounds, fantasies, and turn-ons, you didn’t disappoint. That’s why we’re giving some of your most honest, hilarious, and empowering comments a victory lap.
Here’s the general consensus: Sex is more fun when you can laugh about it. It was truly heartwarming (and not at all creepy) to think about you and your partners blissfully farting, laughing, and living out your erotic fantasies together.
“My first serious boyfriend and I used to have really honest, uninhibited sex and I’m sure it wasn’t the least bit glamorous or cinematic (in a Hollywood sense) but it was amazinggggg. The boyfriend after was very calculated and almost choreographed so when I made any noise I would mentally and sexually shut off to avoid embarrassment. Never again (to the latter).” — GeezMelba
“The first time my partner and I had sex, we finished and he collapsed on top of me. [It made] one, giant, sweaty armpit-fart sound. Needless to say, we were horrified, and then laughed for 5 minutes.” — NYTechie
“You’re with the wrong guy if he finds anything your body does inappropriate/gross/stupid/embarrassing.” — jedi4life
When it comes to turn-ons and turn-offs, we’re all unique snowflakes. We have to open up about what gets us going if we want everyone to leave satisfied (whatever that means to them). How will you know your partner is into the au naturale approach to below-the-belt grooming if they don’t tell you? (Think about all the painful, expensive bikini waxes you could be avoiding!) Conversely, you can’t expect the person you’re boning to magically intuit your erotic feelings about body odor. Needless to say, your comments on this topic were incredibly enlightening.
“Sheeeeeit I get super turned on by sex queefs…. First time it happened was during sex was during sex with a girlfriend in college. She kept apologizing and laughing but didn’t want me to stop, and they just kept coming and I got harder and, well, here we are. Super turn on for me now. Weird? Don’t care. It’s a beautiful thing.” — PCLoadLetter
“I dated a guy who was not only turned on by my smelly, unshowered body, but also my shaving stubble. I thought I’d hit the lottery until I discovered that his emotional maturity wasn’t as evolved as his sexual maturity.” — ohballs
“Huh. My wife likes to smell my armpit before sex. I didn’t realize that was a thing. The internet. Making things that might seem weird, not so weird.” — cew-smoke
“As a guy, the armpit thing works for me as well. I have a friend in highschool that would just stink so good. I would drag her out for hikes and stuff just for the car ride home.... I kind of wonder where she is now.” — AshaLil
Without your unfiltered, open-minded shares some of us may have never learned that armpits are the dark horse of erotic body parts! This no-judgment, open mentality about physical turn-ons is also important when it comes to sexual fantasies. No one wants to explore the depths of their sexual desires if they’re afraid of being judged. Whether it’s a complex part of your sexual identity or just something you want to try, the important part is that you’re into something.
“Fantasy land is fantasy land. It’s unrelated to legal land and moral land.” — MusiMane
“I’ve been raped and (many years later) the ‘consensual rape’ thing really works for me. And I don’t even feel slightly ‘appropriated’ that someone who hasn’t been would enjoy the scenario. Do what works for you! ... I realized that it was a way for me to play out the situation again but this time knowing that I was in actual control of it with a safe word.” — malloryknoxx
“I’m a professional domme. I would consider BDSM to be an integrated aspect of my sexuality, rather than a ‘fantasy,’ though nothing against those who are able to dip in and out… My sexuality has evolved significantly as a result of emerging from a long term, emotionally abusive marriage, and I don’t think people take life circumstances into consideration enough when thinking about their sexuality...IMO. I love pieces that encourage women to consider, without shame, what gets them going.” — Dobby’s-Sock
There’s no right way to approach to your desires — we’re all just learning as we go. Maybe you’re totally fulfilled by a robust fantasy that stays in your imagination. Or maybe your IRL experimentation didn’t go the way you expected. Who cares! You can learn a lot from the things you don’t like (another kernel of wisdom from my mom).
“For years I had this MFM fantasy and a fantasy about being watched. After being single for a while, I went to a swingers club while on vacation. Got naked on the sofa and let two guys go down on me while people walked by with their drinks and watched. Everything I dreamed of but couldn’t get off. Go figure.” — Westcoastcoco
“I went [to a rodeo] with my best friend, picked out the hottest cowboy, and decided that I was going to fuck him. TL;DR...I did, it wasn’t that great, and I’m pretty sure that no one got off… However, it was what I wanted at the time.” — I Smoked Weed with Johnny Hopkins
The moral of the story: The sooner we all embrace our sexual truth, the sooner we have sex the way we really want to. Why wait? Jump in and share your sexual hopes, dreams, and experiences in the comments! And be sure to check out Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central, or whenever you want on the CC app. Prudes, proceed with caution.
Lily Butler is a writer, editor, and strategist living in New York City. She tweets here.
Illustration by Alex Cannon.