Welcome to another installment of our tour of New York, in which we try to unlock the mysteries of Queens by channeling our inner Abbi and Ilana. Can we adopt enough of a DGAF attitude to kick the shit out of some rotisserie chickens? We’re Maddy and Ange and we’re certainly going to try. Maybe we’ll go big and then go home, because like Abbi...
The first and hardest step in getting our Queens fix was getting to Queens. Even if you’re just sitting on your ass for an extended period of time, the journey can be pretty exhausting. But if, like Abbi and Ilana, you’re a serious New Yorker, you get up and walk the length of the subway car until you reach your perfect exit spot.
Maddy: I wouldn’t say I enjoyed getting to Queens, but it gave us a chance to try out Abbi and Ilana’s subway approach. Should we make a disclaimer?
Ange: For the cowards.
M: There are very legit reasons to travel between subway cars. Maybe there’s an emergency, like someone pooped in your car — which is a very real thing. But we just tried it so we could be more like Abbi and Ilana.
A: No one cared about our daring attempts, but I am now really scared of this new connecting subway car plan. What if there’s poop on in your car? There would be no escape.
M: Wafting could be an issue.
A: Wafting aside, I do enjoy the adrenaline rush of passing between cars. Skydiving is expensive but this is free and illegal.
M: Thankfully, we didn’t encounter any bodily fluids on our trek through the subway.
A: That we know of.
Voyage to “North Brother Island,” aka Desolate Queens
If you’re lucky, you’ll never have to go to North Brother Island to pick up a package for your hot neighbor or buy a bribe chicken for your roommate’s boyfriend. But if you want the full Broad City experience, get thee to the creepy outskirts of Queens.
M: Traveling to the farthest reaches of Queens gets you thinking....
A: It’s weird how other parts of the city exist, says the self-absorbed Millennial New Yorker. At least I’m not a Baby Boomer.
A: I felt like we were in a time loop, like a Moebius strip.
M: We kept trying to walk to the edge of the water, but the river never got any closer.
A: I can’t believe I didn’t have any weed stored in my vayaña for this pilgrimage. Sorry, Ilana (and Maddy).
Club Store Rotisserie Chickens
Abbi made the whole “grabbing a bribe chicken from a club store” thing look easy. She must have some sort of membership hookup, because our attempt wasn’t so seamless.
M: Hey, here’s a thing I never want to do again: Go to a far-flung outer-borough discount club store on a weekend to buy rotisserie chickens.
A: Without a membership card.
M: That did not go over well. You’d think we shat in the aisle. Sorry if we upset the patriarchy!
A: But, real talk — those chickens cost $4.99.
If someone as aggravating as Bevers lived on your couch, ate all your cheese, and failed to do the one thing you needed him to do (like pretend to be your husband), you might get mad. And when you got mad, you might want to punt the rotisserie chicken you bought for said asshole — at least that’s what Abbi did.
A: The sky is falling! The sky is falling! — in the form of trashed rotisserie chickens.
M: I wonder/hope someone ate those “gently used” chickens we kicked and then left on a corner.
A: I felt really bad. But somehow justified? No.
M: We had to work out the rage from our frustrating visit to that neighborhood club store. Which is neither friendly nor in ANYONE’s neighborhood. Punting chickens was the logical course of action.
Fat Cat Brunch With Dirty-Ass Martinis
When Abbi and Ilana go out, they order dirty-ass martinis like professional women who wear white power suits. We didn’t wear white power suits because, like Abbi, we think that sounds terrible.
M: We earned that hard, dirty liquor.
A: After traveling approximately 8,000 miles, we definitely deserved them.
M: It wasn’t quite a Fat Cat Brunch but who cares when you are drinking straight vodka.
A: Uh, with olives.
M: It’s basically a salad.
A: With an alcoholic dressing. Heavy on the dressing.
Next up on our Broad City tour: Brooklyn. (Click here to read Manhattan.) We’ll head to 42 Squirts in search of flavors that embody our unique personalities and pay homage to Jaime’s citizenship celebration. Just a normal Brooklyn weekend.
Remember, Season 3 just started, so be sure to catch new episodes of Broad City Wednesdays at 10/9c on Comedy Central and anytime on the CC app!
Maddy has an online shopping addiction and holds the record for most packages received at the office in 2015. She isn’t as cranky or judgy as her twitter would have you believe but don’t take her word for it.