Sex is weird. Who cares? We’re all a little chubby and smelly somewhere. Be real: No one washes their vagina after barre class. And while we’ve made progress with the body acceptance dialogue, why aren’t we talking about the squishy sounds of lovemaking? After all, everyone’s got a thing — Nikki Glaser, Comedy Central’s own curious perv, is hosting a whole show about them — so own your noises proudly. Let’s do this!
Free the Queef
Queefs are like farts, but cuter and not smelly. The patriarchy has taught us to hide the shameful queef, but in reality, queefs are harmless, natural, and they happen to everyone with a vagina… and usually during sex. One of my friends recalls, “A few years ago, after some very very vigorous sexing, the loudest, lowest, longest queef erupted from my body. Like a foghorn on a towboat. It went on for at least a full minute, and we both just kinda lay there looking at each other in horror, waiting for it to stop.”
Most of us have had one or two queef encounters during sex. If you haven’t, get excited because your time will come. All that thrusting, grinding, and flailing makes for prime queef conditions, so let’s all just give in to the queef. I leave you with this nugget of wisdom from comedian Julie Kottakis: “If you replace the ‘f’ in queef with an ‘n,’ what do you have? Queen.” Queef queens unite!
Clench Those Cheeks
Don’t be fooled: Farts are not queefs. You can’t trust farts. They’re never safe. I’ve been with my partner for six years and I’ve only heard him fart once, by accident, and it was embarrassing for both of us. Our weird human bodies make sounds and odors that are out of our control. My friend tells a story about how “a guy once farted as he thrusted in me. The horror!”
I know what you’re saying: “I will not be stifled! He should accept me for who I am! Anal explosions resound!” I totally get that, and if that’s what you’re into, by all means let ‘er rip. I am not one of those people. Life is long and romance is fleeting. Butterflies die! You have to go to great lengths to keep them alive, which is why I’m a proponent of the “suck it up and suck them in” approach. That’s just me though. If bizarre odors turn you on, then get funky with it! Just make sure your partner is definitely on board. I don’t want to fuck the dude who lights his asshole ablaze, capisce?
This is your chance to get in touch with your true self. Your come sound represents the real you, so get creative. Think of it as performance art. I have a lovely friend who claims to grunt like Tim Allen as he comes (what does that even sound like?). Men usually channel their inner caveman, and stick to monosyllabic noises during times of extreme pleasure. Not us, ladies! We are artists. We live the feminine mystique. Don’t be limited to the orgasmic sounds of a cavewoman. Do you! Your come sound is your chance to make sex a free, imaginative experience. One of my friends recently told me, “I’ve been told I sound like a seal getting clubbed.” If a seal is your spirit animal, then you better arf arf when you climax!
So your bed makes lots of noise. No matter what you do, the headboard pounds against the wall with every thrust, letting everyone know the tempo of your fucking. Here’s some good news for those who live in NYC or any other big city: No one cares. New Yorkers don’t know their neighbors for a reason: It’s nearly impossible to engage in small talk with someone when you hear them have sex on a regular basis. On the off chance I’m baking and need an egg, I’d rather walk to the deli and buy a dozen than ask my neighbor and pretend we’re friends. Life is so draining. Just let me fuck in peace.
Sex is full of squishing, squirting, suction, slurping, ball-slapping, and other noises that occur upon (sweaty) impact. Embrace that shit! Your juices are mixing with their juices in a glorious crock pot of jizz.
Yesterday in yoga class, during baby cobra, the space between my boobs happened to be creating a suction noise with the mat that sounded like I was gastrointestinally challenged. But you know what? Who cares! Let all the strangers think I fart from my chest. I’m still gonna do my goddamn stretches. Similarly, don’t worry about the squishies, OK? If your partner gets grossed out, then he can go fuck himself instead of you.
Glad we had this chat. Now it’s your turn. What’s the weirdest come sound you’ve ever encountered? How do you feel about farting as it relates to boning? Share your sex sound experiences and opinions in the comments!
Wanna learn how to embrace your inner freak? Check out Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central, or any time on the CC app. Prudes, proceed with caution.
Sue Smith is a comedian living in New York City. For more of her militantly feminist viewpoints, visit suesmithcomedy.com.
Illustration by Alex Cannon.