You like cats, yes? You enjoy bombarding your coworkers with GIFs of them, and "liking" their likeness on Instagram, and occasionally even petting them? Who doesn't, right? But think about this for a minute: is it possible you actually want to be a cat?
"Sure," you may say, "we'd all rather be cats — but I don't know the first thing about pouncing, or ripping up the side of a couch with my claws! Isn't it too late to learn this stuff?" That, my friend, is where you're wrong. Aubrey Plaza's... riveting transformation into Grumpy Cat (evidence above) inspired this beginner's guide to getting in touch with the tabby inside of you. Use the cat-ifying tips below, then seek your fortune as the Internet's Next Top Cat Meme.
Nap anywhere, any time. You don't need a bed to fall asleep when the world is filled with perfectly good cardboard boxes, shopping bags, and windowsills. Sleeping like a cat is the first step to truly becoming a cat, as Aubrey so deftly proves. Practice randomly napping whenever you can — bonus points for doing it somewhere that inconveniences a human (i.e. across their computer keyboard, over their TV remote, on their head).
Make your desires known. Don't quietly ask if there's any coffee left — meow loudly until someone makes you your own pot. Don't fill out a bunch of boring paperwork — knock it onto the floor and then go to sleep on it. You'll be surprised by how quickly people line up to do your bidding! Mostly because they're afraid that you'll knock their stuff on the floor, but still.
Hide. Don't feel like being introduced to your new neighbor? Curl up behind the fridge. Reluctant to have a "where is this relationship going" conversation with your significant other? Crawl into an empty bathtub. Not in the mood to go to a party? Stand very still behind a potted plant for hours. Cats never have to interact with people they don't like — and now, neither do you!
Outsource your grooming. Listen, you have a lot on your plate now that you're a cat — your schedule is absolutely packed with things you need to rub your head against and whatnot. So in order to maintain both a full schedule of cat-tivities and a sleek appearance, recruit a human to brush your hair and cut your nails for you. However, do not, under any circumstances, let them give you a bath. You've got some dignity to maintain here, after all.
As the final step in your transformation, watch Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever at 8/7c on Lifetime, November 29. You may never be as cool a cat as Grumpy, but at least now you know how to save hundreds of dollars on a new mattress.
Gabrielle Moss has written mostly funny stuff (but also some serious stuff) for GQ.com, The Hairpin, Nerve, etc. You can follow her here.