Respect, female attention, and the ability to play Huey Lewis and The News songs on piano. Yes, these are three things every man wants, but they're also three things you'll* be able to do when you use Old Spice hair products.

Seriously**, though: your hair will be so thick it'll blow behind you like the mane of a stallion being ridden through the darkest night; it will be so strong that it will be able to lift cars from atop trapped motorists; it will be so smart that it will crawl off of your head and play "I Want A New Drug." It will even play percussion.

A certain axe-wielding sociopath once said "Hip to Be Square" is Huey Lewis and The News' undisputed masterpiece. What about "Hip to Be Square" played by your hair? Mountains will crumble to the sea in awe of your amazing tresses and the Mona Lisa will weep in shame.

*Ok, so maybe not literally.

**Again, we all know hair can't play music.

To learn more about how Old Spice hair care will help you gain friends and influence people, head here.

This post is a sponsored collaboration between Old Spice and Studio@Gawker.