Since the dawn of critical theory, essayists, novelists, playwrights, and common rapscallions alike have waxed comedic about the human condition. When confronted with the subjects that terrify humanity the most β€” love, marriage, children, nightclubs β€” we turn to vaunted wordsmiths to articulate our fears in the hopes of transcending them. So, in celebration of Aziz Ansari's third stand-up special, the Netflix original presentation Buried Alive, prepare yourselves for best online quiz you will take today.

This tradition of humor-as-guidance has helped society endure countless downswings (wars, depressions, Ed Hardy), and continues today with talented performers like Aziz Ansari. Widely considered to be the George Bernard Shaw of the modern era, Ansari is easily as prolific and insightful as Shaw, and twice as stylish. Plus, you know, he's been known to hang with Kanye.

Aziz Ansari or Noted Playwright George Bernard Shaw?

  1. "I promise you, nothing feels better than orgasming while thinking about all the progress we've made for civil rights in this country."
  2. "I hate racism, but I love a good biscuit."
  3. "Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?"
  4. "Imagine if marriage didn't exist. 'I wanna keep hanging out with you until one of us dies. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.'"
  5. "Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life."
  6. "Clubs are crazy places to try and meet someone. No one goes to a club and is like 'All right, it smells like vomit, I can't hear anything, and the worst people in the world are here, let's do this!"
  7. "White babies are gross. They're like regular babies that aren't ripe yet."
  8. "Kinda bummed I've never been approached about making my own line of headphones."
  9. "If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you best teach it to dance."
  10. "No, I don't own Michael Buble's Christmas Album, but let's just say if it's on somewhere I'm at, I'm not upset."
  11. "If older generations could be a font, they'd be Times New Roman. I look at my generation, we're fuckin' Comic Sans. You meet some people and they're not even Comic Sans, they're straight-up Wingdings."
  12. "Just heard director Terrence Malick only takes dick pics during the magic hour."
  13. "I should've been getting molested all the time. I don't know how it never happened. Not even once? Keep in mind I was the cutest kid of all time. My theory is that I was so cute as a kid that it intimidated child molesters."
  14. "The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and about all time."
  15. "Well, guess who just got uninvited to the pizza party? You did, because I hate you now."

Head here to check out Buried Alive, streaming on Netflix. Watch, live, love, and learn.

ANSWERS: 1. Aziz Ansari, 2. Aziz Ansari, 3. Aziz Ansari, 4. Aziz Ansari, 5. Noted Playwright George Bernard Shaw, 6. Aziz Ansari, 7. Aziz Ansari, 8. Aziz Ansari, 9. Noted Playwright George Bernard Shaw 10. Aziz Ansari, 11. Aziz Ansari, 12. Aziz Ansari, 13. Aziz Ansari, 14. Noted Playwright George Bernard Shaw, 15. Aziz Ansari (#8, #10 & #12 are from Aziz Ansari's Twitter feed, #2 & #15 are from Dangerously Delicious. The rest are from Buried Alive.)