Illustration by Josh Lees.

The Trump presidency is going to be like nothing we’ve ever seen, and it all starts at the inauguration. While details of the three-day event are still in flux, I’ve got the inside scoop.* Check it out and cower in fear.

*100% fictional scoop I made up while under the influence of chocolate-chip muffins and overpriced lattes. For more political and pop-culture ridiculousness, watch Throwing Shade every Tuesday at 10:30/9:30c on TV Land.

Our new president is very proud of his NYC roots, which is why he arranged for a performance from four to seven of the Rockettes. Joining them will be a cavalcade of some of Trump’s other favorite New York performers, including The Naked Cowboy, Pizza Rat, and an assortment of Times Square Elmos whose costumes have been fully screened for bedbugs. All onstage together for the first time!

Billy Bush will perform the honors of swearing in Donald J. Trump on a copy of The Art of the Deal. Afterward, Bush will intone the fateful and portentous words first made famous on that Days of Our Lives bus recording, imbued with new meaning today: “Yes! The Donald has scored. Whoa, my man!”

“Sad!” is one thing you will not be saying when you see this parade, which will include a variety of performers creatively interpreting President Trump’s finest tweets. The United States Marine Band wearing taco bowl costumes and a 70-foot replica of Barack Obama’s (possibly fake but also maybe real lol) long-form birth certificate will prance and cavort for your delight.

Every administration has had its enemies, but only this one has the transparency to make it publicly clear, at every moment, exactly who is on the president’s “shit list.” (Also, this administration will be the first to openly use the phrase “shit list.”) For those unable to be present for the full six-hour reading, a transcript will be available.

These will be the most wonderful and resplendent balls the world has ever seen. So big and so beautiful. There will be three of them.

For one day only, the National Mall will be an even better kind of mall. Stock up on all the “Make America Great Again” hats, Kid Rock albums, and Ivanka Trump runcible spoons you can fit in your hatchback. Cash only.

Regardless of whether you’re religious, agnostic, or atheist… probably a good idea to get in on this.

There you go, now you can plan your inauguration weekend. And remember to catch Throwing Shade every Tuesday at 10:30/9:30c on TV Land. Erin Gibson and Bryan Safi take a look at all the headlines in politics and pop culture and treat them with much less respect than they deserve. Get psyched with this hot new Throwing Shade promo! With an inauguration like this, we’ll need all the laughs we can get.

Tony Carnevale is a senior writer for Studio@Gizmodo.

This post is a sponsored collaboration between Throwing Shade and Studio@Gizmodo.